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Who's afraid of spiders?

What makes a man a “real man”?  It’s a question I have been asking friends, family and work colleagues recently. All were women and all gave very similar answers. The consensus was that a “real man” is tough, a bit rough, he’s also brave, successful, and most definitely is not afraid of spiders. The last answer was given mainly by my family as a reference to my screaming fear of all beasties. What it made clear to me was that I’m not really a “real man”.

So what am I and should I be worried?

It may be argued that nature intended men to be strong, brave, assertive, independent and sexual in order to survive and that a “real man” has all these attributes in abundance.

Popular culture has reinforced the macho ideal of the “real man” as someone who is strong, independent and strives for success; it suggests a “real man” is someone who focuses on power and is sexually attractive as a result of this acquisition of power and money. He’s also tough and knows how to handle himself. A “real man” doesn’t show weakness, doesn’t cry, doesn’t get sick and only goes to the doctor when he’s at death’s door.

I believe more and more men, like me, would not consider the “real man” ideals described above as being important in how they now view themselves. I would suggest, similarly few men have grown up without some pressure to adopt these characteristics.

It’s also worth considering whether the poor health experienced by many men in Scotland is linked to how we feel a “real” man should act and behave. Most men to some degree or other develop a perception of themselves as men against the normative ideals of the society they live in. It may also be reasoned that the way they then perform or express their masculinity to meet these ideals will have an impact not only on their own health but also the health and wellbeing of others.

An example of this (although perhaps an over stereotypical one) is how many boys are taught by their parents to be tough and strong, not to cry or express other “weak” emotions and this is then reinforced and conditioned by others in our society as they grow up. Hence the emotional nurturing of boys and young men is often limited to those emotions that are viewed as acceptable for “real” men. Almost exclusively these emotions are those associated with humour, anger and sex. Other emotional expressions such as showing that you care, listening, nurturing others, empathy and even expressing pain are all seen as female traits and therefore the antithesis to that of the “real” man. 

This gender conditioning strives to meet “real” man ideals that are often based on toughness and independence resulting in men driven by internalised messages of the need to have control, be competitive, be independent, remain strong, and not show weakness. Without doubt these can be extremely positive qualities enabling men to take risks in order to explore, be creative, be inventive, and to construct and contributes to their role as providers and protectors within society.

However, it may also be reasoned that these hegemonic characteristics play a key part in many of the poor health outcomes experienced by men as a result of risk-taking behaviour which is damaging to health, and of their reluctance to seek help when things are going wrong.

So, the original question of ‘what is a “real man”?’, has now left me with a number of other equally challenging questions:

• should we be more active in challenging the traditional concepts of the “real man”?
• do the ideals that help construct the “real man” image harm our society and if so can these ideals be changed?
• how do we change the social building blocks that help define masculinity in this way? 
• should we even try?

Or should I just give in and learn to be a “real” man even if it means picking the spider out of the bath?

Jim Leishman (MHFS, OMG Member)